I wish I could teleport
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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