I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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