I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
