I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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