Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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