I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
