my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
