No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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