Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
