It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
COCAINE IS GR8
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
