Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We talked him into tasing himself.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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