a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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