I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
