i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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