I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
