I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
