She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
