It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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