WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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