The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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