oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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