So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
