Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
