Someone shit on the floor
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
