I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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