i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I deserve this hangover.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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