Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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