There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
