Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
