Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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