Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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