I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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