i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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