I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
