I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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