yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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