I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
