he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Success! We fucked roommates!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
