God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
