there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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