bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
