But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
