Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
