weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Drunk is a universal language darling
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
