Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
