So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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