Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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