dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
