She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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