Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
