I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
