i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
