operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
